AS
SEEN IN: “TOP THIS RELATIONSHIP NEWS”
Balancing your mate and
your family of origin can be quite stressful and tedious. This can be especially
true for an individual who is strongly enmeshed with their family of origin. If
this balance is not met it can lead to marital or relationship disaster. It can
leave your mate feeling as if they are of minimal importance in your life or
are only of relevance when their mate does not have access to their family of
origin. The most important people in your life can come together harmoniously
if you know how to negotiate and properly disperse your time, attention and
energy.
This balance can be
made however by following a few simple rules:
1: Remember the
emotional needs of your mate. As humans we were made with an inherent need to
be loved and cared for. Be cognizant of those needs not only in yourself but
also in your mate.
2: Follow the example
of healthy relationships in your ecology. It is so easy to replay negative
dynamics in relationships around which we were raised. Make an earnest effort
to embody the positive relationships you have been exposed to.
3: The golden rule
always applies. If both parties in the relationship treat each other how they
would like to be treated or expect to be treated the relationship cannot
flourish. For example: If you want to be
listened to be a good listener. If you want to be trusted give trust.
Now for those on the
other side of the equation this can also be a difficult situation. How do you
ask for more attention, affection or overall reciprocity without seeming
insecure, uncaring or even selfish? Well first and foremost tact is needed.
It's important to speak to your emotions without speaking with your emotions.
Get your point across in a way that prompts your partner to meet your needs without
feeling accused or attacked. I statements have more weight than you statements.
For example, statements like "I need" or "it would make me feel
good" if or even "I appreciate/love" can end in a more positive
response and results than statements like "you pay more attention to more
mother" or "you need to grow up and stop" or "you always
let her". Tone always plays a significant role in negotiations no matter
the purpose. In this particular situation your tone should never be attacking,
condescending or blaming. It's best to keep in mind that your goal is to gain
results and not to spark an argument.
What if you are living
with in-laws or extended family?
1) Set time aside
specifically for you and your mate. Unless in cases of an emergency do not
allow other to interfere with this time.
2) Set clear and
appropriate boundaries. Places like your bedroom should be private space for
you and your mate. Allow it to be your haven.
3) Keep the spice in
your relationship. Weekend getaways and date nights can keep things fresh and
reduce any household tension.
Sejginha Williams, LMFT
