Successful Family Negations: The nuclear versus extended family

     AS SEEN IN: “TOP THIS RELATIONSHIP NEWS” 

Balancing your mate and your family of origin can be quite stressful and tedious. This can be especially true for an individual who is strongly enmeshed with their family of origin. If this balance is not met it can lead to marital or relationship disaster. It can leave your mate feeling as if they are of minimal importance in your life or are only of relevance when their mate does not have access to their family of origin. The most important people in your life can come together harmoniously if you know how to negotiate and properly disperse your time, attention and energy.

This balance can be made however by following a few simple rules:

1: Remember the emotional needs of your mate. As humans we were made with an inherent need to be loved and cared for. Be cognizant of those needs not only in yourself but also in your mate.

2: Follow the example of healthy relationships in your ecology. It is so easy to replay negative dynamics in relationships around which we were raised. Make an earnest effort to embody the positive relationships you have been exposed to.

3: The golden rule always applies. If both parties in the relationship treat each other how they would like to be treated or expect to be treated the relationship cannot flourish.  For example: If you want to be listened to be a good listener. If you want to be trusted give trust.

Now for those on the other side of the equation this can also be a difficult situation. How do you ask for more attention, affection or overall reciprocity without seeming insecure, uncaring or even selfish? Well first and foremost tact is needed. It's important to speak to your emotions without speaking with your emotions. Get your point across in a way that prompts your partner to meet your needs without feeling accused or attacked. I statements have more weight than you statements. For example, statements like "I need" or "it would make me feel good" if or even "I appreciate/love" can end in a more positive response and results than statements like "you pay more attention to more mother" or "you need to grow up and stop" or "you always let her". Tone always plays a significant role in negotiations no matter the purpose. In this particular situation your tone should never be attacking, condescending or blaming. It's best to keep in mind that your goal is to gain results and not to spark an argument.

What if you are living with in-laws or extended family?

1) Set time aside specifically for you and your mate. Unless in cases of an emergency do not allow other to interfere with this time.

2) Set clear and appropriate boundaries. Places like your bedroom should be private space for you and your mate. Allow it to be your haven.

3) Keep the spice in your relationship. Weekend getaways and date nights can keep things fresh and reduce any household tension.

Sejginha Williams, LMFT

Addressing Burnout and Maintaining Wellness for Helping Professionals

It is important that we take a holistic view of self care as clinicians. For the families we serve, we hold more than a therapeutic role. In serving some cases we become an advocate, a planner, a protector, a support, a model for proper parenting, a source of transportation, a case manager, a housing representative, a sounding board, and even an object of which to take out the days frustration.  

We also have to deal with stakeholder, supervisor, management, funders, timelines, feedback and numerous party expectations.

With all of these factors it is not a mystery as to why extreme stress or even burnout can occur before we are even able to address it. That is why it is important to always add the most important client to your caseload and that client is YOU! Without proper self care it becomes impossible for you to perform job duties to the best of your abilities and care for the needs of your client.

Whenever I travel on a air plane I am always keen to the reminder of the flight attendant that in case of an emergency the  oxygen mask should be placed on yourself first. That is what will give you the opportunity to help others. In the social service field, we have the habit of attempting to put the mask on others first. The result? The entire system around us falls apart and we are left grasping for the pieces.

Let us make it our duty to ourselves and our clients to place the so called "oxygen mask" on ourselves first so that we can do what we came into this profession to do,.... help others.